Both my parents were among the younger set of kids in the rather large families in which they were reared. Therefore, three of my four grandparents were deceased before I came along, Grandmother Cook being the only grandparent I ever knew. Although she baked amazing sugar cookies, always kept Wriggly's Juicy Fruit chewing gum for us in the buffet drawer, and let us snap the mouths onto the tails of the little minks circling her shoulders in church, she was not a grandfather. I read books about children and their grandpas. I observed friends holding hands with theirs. I always wished to have one. So, for anyone who has ever shared that longing, let me introduce you to the grandpa of our kids, who is everything a grandparent should be.
Our favorite nonagenarian is "dad" to my husband, "Granpa" to our eleven children and "Great-Granpa" to our own growing brood of grands that number eighteen this month of celebrating his ninety-fifth birthday. Over the last four decades this man has intacteracted with posterity in pied-piper fashion endearing him to their hearts and leaving footprints for us to follow. I find myself pondering, at this hallmark birthday, what I have observed about his expertise as a grandparent.
As for the learning curve, I became a grandmother when our youngest child was a mere eighteen months old. I had not yet finished reading the parenting books, much less those on grandparenting. Did I pamper this grandbaby or did he have the same rules as my toddler, who was, by the way, standing nearby tapping her toe watching my every move in search of concessions made to "that baby"? Desperately, I searched for a crash course. Easy as it was to love that next generation, I wanted to do it "right". One thing that bothered me immensely, off the starting block, was a statement made often by veteran grandparents about how much they enjoyed spoiling their grandchildren. In many cases, my observation was that this "spoiling" consisted of undermining the parents' training and catering to whiney, ungrateful, disrespectful youngsters, a scenario at which I bristled. Was it unsusal...or wrong...for me to want the same things for my grandchildren that we desired for our kids growing up...that they would learn to be kind, others-minded, content, respectful, unselfish, and grateful, understanding full-well that it was not my job to instill those character qualities but rather to pray and to support our children in their parenting.
Beacause I love words (and children) I began to research the terms. It was informing to learn that by definition spoiling has to with "diminishing or destroying the quality or the value of". On the other hand, to indulge means simply "to allow oneself the pleasure of enjoying". Over time, I decided I would rather be the indulgent grandparent than the spoiling kind. Who would want to diminish the value of a child? Would not both the child and I benefit if I set my heart to allowing myself to enjoy the pleasure of this little person, hoping that the result might be the creation of a "mutual admiration society"?
Thankfully, Granpa did not spoil our kids by catering to their every material whim. He faithfully remembered each birthday with a card (real mail was so special), an appropriate gift, and always a phone call. He trained them to look forward to an exorbitant amount of candy arriving prior to major holidays boxed and wrapped with boo-coos of tape (Granpa's hallmark packaging). All adults now, we have found that the sugar had no lasting effects. He gifted the kids with meaningful toys, many of which have lasted to this day. And he respected our request to avoid gifting guns or a drum set (although we, too, have grown up over the years and would beg his forgiveness on some of our boundaries.)
Granpa did not take his grands on costly European holidays or for elaborate cruises or to breakfast at Tiffany's. Yet, what could have been more conducive to an idyllic childhood than for our kids to have grown up with drives through the Indiana countryside, visits to the dwarf pony farm, tours of the home of the Louisville Slugger, fishing excursions, the circus-come-to-town, and the thrill (for kids bred and born in the South) of an occasional ice-skating session? These outings consitute some of their fondest childhood memories.
Extended to great-grandparenting, there is not much that Granpa enjoys more than watching children devour food. Whether an all-you-can-eat buffet, a stack of pancakes, a chocolate fountain, or a plate of spaghetti, he indulged our kids in hearty eating adventures. Although the floats and experiments our boys concocted at the beverage bar perhaps boardered on vandalism, Granpa never seemed the slightest embarrassed. Always the tease, this "grown up kid" was known to set a scoop of butter in a compote in front of a small child who dug into it thinking it was ice cream. And why do we wonder to this day that our sons never find a holiday meal complete until they have invented some kind of mischief or set something on fire?
Part of our kids' inheritance from their grandfather is a love of the outdoors. Many lessons were learned in his garden, like how asparagus grows...and that picking green beans is hard on the knees....and that tossing tomatoes at the neighbor's garage produces surprises in his gutters next spring. How many birds have our kids learn to recognize from those feasting at Granpa's feeder outside the kitchen window? Fascination for hummingbirds was piqued as the children watched the little guys flit to and fro in the garden. They recall Granpa lifting branches carefully to reveal tiny fledglings in a nest chirping for worms from mama bird. Granpa laughed it off when a small boy cut loose a basket --the day's catch--of fish hung from the side of the boat. Always one for good-natured sparring, Granap was known to spray the kids when watering the garden. A little grand girl who arched the hose over the garage and doused her grandpa did not dampen the spirits of the playful banter on that hot summer day so long ago. He could always take what he dished out. And when Granpa came around the corner in the basement and caught you eating donuts by the fistful, you knew you were not in trouble. Granpa was simply indulging himself (and you) in the delight of more donuts than should humanly be possible to consume.
Most of our kids took their first turn at the wheel of Granpa's car on the back roads of Indiana. Oh, the myriad of ways he indulged our children! He allowed himself the pleasure of enjoying their pure delight over his:
-filling the boat with water in the backyard on a hot summer day so the kids could cool off and "swim"
-building dollhouses of master-craftsman proportions for a little girl's sixth birthday (times four!!!)
-gifting sturdy Tonka trucks to the guys that are being passed to their sons
-taking excited kiddos to parades
-repairing absolutely anything that was broken
-sending seeds or a rhubarb plant to aspiring gardeners
-willingness to play endless games of checkers and marbles and spoons
-enlisting helpers to create his famous root beer floats
-transporting a playhouse to its new site (undeterred when it fell off the truck into the street)
-furnishing accessories for snowman-building (that might have jammed the lawn mower next spring)
Although this Granpa loves to connect the next generation to historical roots through stories of his childhood, growing up on a farm, and serving in WWII, he is superbly in touch with the twenty-first century. He is internet savvy, googles his inquiries, emails, and fills us in on basketball scores and the latest politics and news from cyberspace. He keeps up with brackets during March madness and creates charts to track the NASCAR season. All the while, he maintains personal interest in the lives of his grand kids, remembering names of their friends, courses of academic study, career changes, their Marathon goals, vacation plans, current challenges, victories, joys and sorrows. Quietly, consistently, unobtrusively, Granpa is always behind us cheering, affirming, encouraging and helping us look on the bright side.
So, has he spoiled or indulged our kids?
Nothing about this dear man has disminished the value of anyone. Granpa has gifted us the secret of indulgence--allowing himself the pleasure of enjoying life by loving well. We have all been made rich in the lasting treasure of learning from him, looking through his glasses, and knowing him. We are blessed We celebrate his life.
Happy birthday Granpa-extraordinaire!
