Long, slow exhale.....
...and now, what to do with the rest of my life? I am trying to decide whether to turn cartwheels and jump into all those things I said I was going to do when the children grew up, or whether to have a meltdown? Seriously. There are those stacks and piles and closets into which I have stuffed "I'll get to it later" projects throughout the decades. And then there are the want-to's like painting and writing and learning how to do my camera and how to file digital images. Plus I would love to have a beautiful cutting garden, learn to play tennis and run a marathon (just kidding). So much to do, so little time. These are hankerings that have haunted me for years. But over-riding the cobwebs and grunge of neglected lists is the realization that we make a lot of choices along the way. We choose. Now, the question-of-the-day is "what do I really want to do by way of finishing well"? The sand through the hour glass slips silently whether I acknowledge it or not.
Do I really want my epitaph to read, "she went out with amazing closets"?
What is my new role with these grown offspring that were entrusted to my care for a little while? When one has rarely slept through the night for decades, either getting up with teething toddlers or listening for tip-toeing teens returning in the wee hours, it is hard to turn off the "parent alert" part of the brain. One does not stop caring, being concerned with what concerns them, and hurting when our kids hurt. When we wonder how they are and where they are, the mother-heart remains restless. No matter their age. No matter their gender. No matter their self-assured confidence.
Years ago, we young parents of the 80's found the title Parenting Isn't for Cowards by James Dobson, to be a bit humorous, in light of toddler challenges that consisted of potty training and temper tantrums. But somewhere down the road, we were overcome by the sheer terror of realizing that the book title held a much deeper message. The fact that God would entrust children to other of His children is, indeed, a scary phenomena.
God has faithfully used my children every day to bring me to my knees and show me how much I need a Savior. He does not get my attention while I am playing golf or bridge or tennis, because I don't do any of those things. (Who would have time while mothering the multitude?!) But, when it comes to my children, He has my attention. Just let me say, I have messed up a lot. I have been impatient. I have disciplined harshly and unfairly, at times. I have heard words when I should have listened for the heart. I have been selfish and sinful and sleepy. I have not always practiced what I have preached. But God, in His infinite mercy...in spite of me, not because of me, but because of Jesus...has been at work. He has been gracious in not giving up on me as He has worked to transform and conform me in the process of my tending these two-legged treasures. However imperfectly I have done so, I hear His voice today saying that I may be "confident that He who has begun a good work will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns" (Philippians 1:6). I may rest. He will keep me in perfect peace as my mind is stayed on Him. (Isaiah 26:3) And He will keep those I have entrusted to Him.
And so, to my beautiful darling child I gift this quote that I happened upon. Characteristically, I would have chosen to edit the text suggesting that the heart should be guarded rather than wide open and making analogies to the spiritual roots that would make a difference in her budding world. But, no. One has to trust that she is learning to translate, to take on the mantle, to carry the Light. No longer is it my job to draw a picture and color it in. While my original intent was to frame the quote on lovely parchment paper appropriate for hanging, something prompted me toward a pillow that would be winsome, inviting and comforting. Just so, the Father's heart...a place that beckons us to rest.
PS The text transfer to fabric ala a mirror-image printing process is another blog for another day and should only be attempted with the aid of a (very, very patient) friend who is much more computer-savvy than I am.
